What are they ‘Twittering’ about?  Are celebrities for real?

Hang on, let me reiterate…of course celebrities aren’t ‘real’; they stopped being so when they got sucked into the showbiz or Hollywood machine.  Like the Stepford Wives, they instantly became perfect, aesthetically-pleasing clones.  Not perfect as in moral, upstanding members of society…oh no no, au contraire, they became perfect in our eyes.  They look, act and become everything naughty and delicious we’d secretly like to be (or the carnal dirty bitch side of us anyway.)

We expect celebrities to wear designer duds, buy luxury cars, spit at the paparazzi, fornicate with anything under the age of thirty that has a pulse, and have enough money to do all of the above nightly with a posse of fifty.  We adore this about our celebrities.  We expect this from our celebrities.

What we don’t like, is when they use applications like Twitter to try to act like regular folk.

CHRIS BROWN-you are not an average Joe.  You beat up Rihanna for crumb’s sakes.  You wear more bling than the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade.  People hiss at you and flash you their boobies alternatively.  This is not normal behavior.  Never in my life can I say I’ve been flashed and harassed while shopping on Rodeo Drive.  I’ve never been to Rodeo Drive.

So why, in the name of all that’s sinful and costly, are you twittering like a twit-face?  Can us ‘pee-on nobody’s’ keep nothing sacred for ourselves?

And you latest escapade?  Not a ho-beatdown.  Oh no.  You have to now make racial slurs on Twitter.  Sure, they’re in answer to Raz B’s ‘razzin’ about you and the Rihanna incident, but really, we’d rather you air your dirty laundry from whence it should be aired-from the pages of National Enquirer.  Keep your racist and homosexual comments away from the playground where decent commoners like us, ‘hang’.

LINDSAY LOHAN-of course you have substance abuse problems.  YOU’RE A CELEBRITY.  We don’t want your updates every five minutes about how you’re dry and repentant.  We love you just the way you are…MESSED UP.  Not that we don’t really want you to change your life for the better, find another nice, messed up celebrity husband and have 2.5 nice, messed up celebrity children.  We just want you to remain slutterly dressed and utterly aloof.  NOT trying to appeal to us nice, regular, messed up people on Twitter.   Leave us alone and make another pointless movie (but continue to stay dry, that’s a good girl.)

ASHTON KUTCHER-enough political jargon on Twitter!  Most of us don’t understand it anyway, and those that do would rather you make your Nikon commercials and leave us alone. You are bonking Demi Moore (and everyone else in your ‘open’ relationship.)  Isn’t that enough?  YOU ARE NOT LIKE ME!  I want to read about your affairs in Star Magazine, not listen to you twittering about providing 10,000 mosquito nets to help end Malaria in Africa.  Okay…that’s a nice cause and everything.  But go ‘tweet’ Demi’s boobs and go away!

EVERYBODY ELSE-here’s the deal…if you’re a celebrity and want to ‘twit’ in order to be heard, why not create a false identity?  Chris Brown could be Chrashin’ Bore, Lindsay Lohan could be Lucy Loser, and Ashton Kutcher could be Asshole Butcher.  That way, we don’t know you from Adam, and you can encroach upon our territory to your heart’s content.  Just don’t make crazy celebrity statements like “I’m so going to Paris tonight on the red eye.  Save you a seat in first class, my homies.”  Try instead, “Line at Wal-Mart was a bitch tonight but I needed Visine for my red eyes.”

You get the picture…